Workout notes

1 set 6x20 curls, 1 set 6x15 delts

More costs

The running tally of transition costs is now:

Doctor's visits: 242
First 2 months of hormones: 230
Therapy (only for the letter): 120
Which rounds the total to: 592

This is not poetry.

Hey, little sister, little daughter, little mother
my flesh and blood before me
you are loved
you are not going away
not into death
not into oblivion
not merely into the mists of memory
where, they say, yesterdays go--
Hey little one I feel so protective of
you are the mother who gave me birth
your blood runs in my veins
you are the teacher who brought me here
you are the guide who led me in these ways--
Hey Great Progenitor, you are
so scared of me now
because isn't it true
that Zeus must kill Cronus
that Maui must kill his grandmother
that I must kill you now to become me?
Hey Powerful Creatrix, do you think
I to eat your power will slay you?
You give me birth now and at every moment
even in the hour of my death--
Know then that death is not the end.
Hey Goddess giving birth to the God,
you will always be with me,
within me,
beside me and behind me,
and I will never lack you.
Hey Queen of my Youth, you are
fragile as a butterfly, and so scared--
I remember how scared I was when I was inside you--
but if I am a powerful being now
about to undergo transformation
my skin flayed
my flesh eaten
my bones rearranged
in order to be reborn anew
still your power brought me here.
It was Your power and strength that protected me all this time
that nurtured me to the foot of this mountain
through a wilderness of fear.
I followed a butterfly who fled from me
but only You could have had the strength to get me this far.
Oh Goddess Mother Self of my Past
Good night. Good work.
Sleep well.
I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

Love always and forever,
Your Self of Tomorrow's Dawn

First Voice Clip: Pre-Testosterone

Tes-Tes-Tes-Tes-Testosterone

I put my scrip in today, which means I will pick it up tomorrow, and start it on Friday-- appropriate, since Ciara, the tarot card reader of my acquaintance, turned the Fool over at the start of my reading about my transition. (Yes, I am capable of being both the Hammer of Reason and the Featherduster of New Age Poofiness. Bite me.) Today I lifted 1 set of 6 x 15 curls and 1 set of 6 x 15 deltoid lifts (I don't know what those are called). Not much, but more than I've been doing in the last month. And pretty decent for someone wearing wrist braces to stave off RSI from too much typing.

Second endo appointment

My second endo appointment went relatively peacefully. I walked out with a script for Androgel which I can fill or not, depending, which actually feels sort of anticlimactic in a weird way. I have it. Nothing is standing in my way. I'm not afraid, I don't feel desperate, I'm just-- resting.

I talked to my mother on the phone, answered some of her questions about hormones, shared with her, and talked a little about maybe making a transition fund with the money they are offering me. We'll see about it; I have to talk to dad.

I also got in touch with a friend from high school who is transitioning, which makes I believe a grand total of six of us in two years. I wonder if they were doing top secret government experiments there. I should get in touch with some teachers and gather some more data.

You ever have one of those moments...

Sometimes life offers you something that looks too amazingly good to be true. And then you realize that even if there are no strings attached, it's not something you deserve. Thinking about it more, you realize that even if there are no strings attached, it might be bad for you-- rot your teeth or something. And then thinking about it more you realize that even if it's not bad for you and there are no strings attached, you would feel so guilty about taking it that you would attach some strings yourself.

My parents offered to pay for my first year of hormones.

Androgel, to boot.

If I guilt tripped them into this with that oh-so-eloquent letter I worked so hard on-- then-- then I should be soundly and thoroughly beaten. Parents don't pay for transition. Hell, many people's parents don't ever want to see them again when they decide to transition. This isn't their responsibility, it's mine. I can't let myself start thinking that I don't have to work hard for this and do it all myself. And if I accept this kind of help, will it make me feel that my transition is not just my choice, it's something I'm doing partly for my parents, since they helped pay for it? That strikes me as a really bad idea.

On the other hand, do they need to do this as much for themselves as for me? Would I be denying them an important way of feeling involved with my life if I turned them down? Can I afford to?

And what about the fact that the primary reason I'm afraid to accept this offer is because their confidence in my ability to know myself and know what I need scares me suddenly?

I was thinking about asking them if I could put the money into an emergency transition fund instead. Erin says I shouldn't do that because it's a matter of family honor to use it for what they want to give it to me for, but I could at least discuss this option with them. That might be a wiser course of action. I won't be able to afford Androgel for the first year on my own, but most people start on injections anyway and I'm really kind of just being a wuss. There are some good reasons to prefer transdermal applications but not because I'm a coward about needles. Right? And then, if I get into some kind of financial trouble in the future, I'll have something to fall back on for transition expenses.

I don't know. I think I need to talk about this in group on Saturday.

Which makes me feel even worse. "Oooh, look at me, my big problem this week is that my parents want to give me lots of money." Heh. Please pay attention to the spoiled little white boy.

More info about transition costs.

So far the transition costs I've kept track of have been:

$120 for the therapist visit to be okayed for hormones
..150 for the endo initial visit
....20 for the pelvic exam (covered by insurance for now)
......0 for the bloodwork (covered by insurance for now)

According to this source, I can expect to pay about $40-60 a month for compounded injectables or cream. That should be doable.

I will also need to repeat the bloodwork now and again. And I'll have to pay for endo appointments as well, and shots to be given until I can do it myself. But all this is still in the realm of the manageable, not the astronomically out of reach.

Argh.

A link to an extremely long letter to my parents.

A talk on trans issues & prepping for the parents

About, hmm, seven people showed up. At least that made it easier for me to not freak out. I did trail off and repeat myself a lot, but people seemed to think it was good. They laughed at the right places, and asked the right questions, mostly. I wrote an idealized version which I didn't follow exactly, and I'll post that online eventually. But I just wanted to say I'm in a good mood right now. I feel a little less miserable, which is great; hopefully the cold will be totally gone tomorrow.

I have to figure out how to tell my parents about taking hormones. I'm gonna do that this weekend. Let's see. What do they need to know? Okay, I'll print out a lot of the FTM-specific technical information on hormones for dad, and I'll cut to the chase for mom.

The first thing that will probably happen is that my voice will get deeper, and then some hair will grow on my face and on my arms and chest probably too. My hairline might recede a little-- not that I'll get instantly bald, but guys' hairlines are farther back than women's typically. I might gain or lose weight, depending on how I eat and exercise and what my body fat distribution turns into.

This means that eventually, maybe four to five years from now, I will need a hysterectomy, otherwise I am at risk for cancer. Fortunately there are some very simple ways of doing this now, and I may be able to get insurance to pay for it so long as they don't figure out I'm transgender. I'm at a slight risk for liver disease, and the same risk as other guys for heart disease, high blood pressure, and stroke, but since I don't drink or smoke that will help.

I know it seems like now is not the time to do this, but I really need to do this now. It has been getting harder and harder for me and I just can't put it off any longer. This is a certainty for me. If I wait on it, I'm probably gonna have some kind of breakdown at some point or just get seriously depressed and be unable to deal with the outside world at all.

I know this is going to be very stressful for you guys. (I'm practicing now. You guys means my parents.) I know it will be really hard for you and I'll do anything I can to make it easier. But I want you to know that testosterone will probably start by the end of April, although you probably won't see results until July or later. I promise to send you pictures, talk to you on the phone, and come home to visit as much as I possibly can, so that you stay updated with what's happening with me.

I do want your advice on how to deal with grandma. Because although there probably won't be any results until I'm in California, she will probably see me at holidays, and she's definitely going to notice something by this Christmas. So I'm asking you if you advise me to tell her the truth about what's going on with me, or just to not see her again once the changes start and just write her long letters from California every two weeks or so like I'm planning to do anyway.

As far as the social aspects of transition-- you don't ever have to call me anything you don't want to. You can call me by the name you gave me. You can call me your daughter, as long as you can live with a boy for a daughter. I'm proud to be your daughter. That word to me means what I am in relation to you, and I'm proud of that even if it implies something about my gender which isn't comfortable for me. I may ask you to try to use male pronouns at some point, but I know this will be hard to remember so I'm not going to make a big issue of it.

I promise to consider my health very carefully in everything I do. I consider this step to be a positive one for my health-- it's going to help me take care of my body instead of wanting to do self-destructive things because I don't like the gender I'm living in. It sets me up for a few health risks, but I'm prepared to reduce my other risk factors in order to manage that. Also, I feel like the doctor I'm seeing is very good and will make sure I'm doing this right, so I stay healthy.

I don't know if you had ever expected me to have kids. I don't want to have kids; I never did, even when I thought I was a girl. But if you want, we can discuss me banking some of my eggs or something. This is really expensive, and it's not worth it to me, but if it's worth it to you I'll do it. And I'll probably talk it over with Kim because the major reason I could see doing this is if for some reason she can't have kids of her own.

Okay, that's all I can think of. Some of the stuff I can do to make this easier for them include talking things out very thoroughly, giving them all the information I can about hormones, arranging a meeting with them with my therapist, and making sure tehy stay updated about all of my changes (or at least all the ones they need to hear about). I can't be flexible about the timing, unfortunately. I can't give them more time to adjust. I wish I could.

Wooho--CHOO. Scuse me.

The appointment with Lupo was great. He's really nice and attentive and didn't seem to mind me interrupting him or talking over him as I do when I'm excited/nervous. I'd be euphoric right now if it wasn't for this miserable cold.

Blood tests and a pelvic exam on Monday, then a followup with Lupo the following Monday.

Looking ahead, but not very far.

Tomorrow I go to my endo appointment. I'm a bit nervous. I have no idea what all blood tests I'm going to-- no, that's a lie. I'm going to need a base sex hormone profile, a LFT, a CBC, and a lipid profile. I will also ask for a glucose tolerance test. I know all this by heart. Why then all this uncertainty?

I've never met Mark Lupo. I've never been to an endo, and I've never disclosed my trans status to a body doctor of any kind. I haven't even been to a body doctor since coming out as trans. I have needle anxiety, so I'm not looking forward to drawing blood and I'm hoping I can get transdermal testosterone. There are other reasons to want the transdermal testosterone, such as keeping my hormone levels stable so as not to have mood swings. However there may be problems associated with it such as cost, inefficient uptake, and possible sensitivities. I don't know if Lupo will prescribe it.

I still haven't figured out how to explain all this to my parents, and have no idea what, if anything, to tell my grandmother.

pre-T stubble

pre-Tstubble,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

At this size you won't be able to see this, but check it out a little larger. They say that shaving doesn't actually make hair grow in thicker and darker, that's just a myth-- maybe I'm just pretty mythopoetic by nature or something but it worked for me.

drag, 1-28-05

drag, 1-28-05,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

Obviously this doesn't fucking work for me anymore. Evidence that I'm doing the right thing.

nondrag, 1-28-05

nondrag, 1-28-05,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

I look pissed in this photo, but somehow much less silly than in the drag photo above.

Here we go again.

I've decided yet again that I need a separate transition journal. This will be public, but most of my friends are not going to go out of their way to read it, due to the fact that it would probably bore them to tears.

As things stand now, I have my initial visit with Dr. Lupo on March 15th. I hope to get transdermal T, because I'm a big wuss about needles and because I don't want to have the added stress of hormone fluctuations. Things that might become complications-- I had diabetic-like symptoms of excessive thirst, frequent urination, tiredness, and strange taste in my mouth periodically for the last few weeks. I think I noticed it first around February 23rd or so. There is no glucose in my urine but I couldn't get a decent blood sugar reading due perhaps to tester incompetence, contamination of the strips, or malfunction or miscalibration of the instrument. So a GTT will probably be in order. I might conceivably have PCOS, although I don't really have any symptoms-- I'm slightly hairier than perhaps I should be with no exogenous hormones, my periods are pretty painful, and it could be a factor in screwing with my blood sugar if that's what's happening. So I need to be checked out for these two things.

Dad tells me I should have Lupo send me to LabCorp for my tests since we get them covered there. Hopefully that will pan out.

I've lost a little weight in the last couple of weeks due to drastically cutting back on sugar and fat, but it doesn't seem to be unhealthy. My digestion has gotten better too. So I'm going to try to keep this up for awhile. My build is skinny and soft. I've got a few dark hairs on my chin from shaving and some kind of halfhearted effort towards sideburns. My voice is high and soft when I'm speaking in front of other people, and when I'm tense it shoots up into mickey-mouse type registers. Emotionally, I'm often more passive than I want to be. I spend a lot of time being cute because cute is what has always worked for me in the past. I have a tendency to get very angry and then bottle it up; I feel like I need to watch my anger management as T makes me more impulsive (possibly).

What I hope for from T is to lower my voice, hopefully while not losing such ability to use it as I have, to not have such noticeable subdermal fat which gives me a soft feminine look, to work out enough to gain a wiry and strong build without necessarily trying to get "cut" or "built", to get more facial hair so that I can pass, but not to become a "bear" type. I would love to have more energy and less tendency to depression, but I don't need to have any more problems with anger, impatience, or frustration. I'd like for my cock to grow as much as possible, since I'm not looking toward having genital surgery any time soon, if ever.

I have thought about taking saw palmetto as a DHT inhibitor to prevent baldness and minimize excess body hair growth-- I probably won't start that until I see all the facial hair growth I think I need. It shouldn't affect any other type of masculinization.

I need to do some vocal exercises. I've always wanted to be able to sing, but couldn't because I couldn't stand my voice. I don't want to end up with an extremely reedy male voice, and I think some form of vocal exercises while I transition would be good.

Here's something I wrote recently about my personal experience of my gender:

I am not changing into a man. I was not always a man in a woman's body. To me, manhood and womanhood are constructed. The portions of my identity which are closely related to my body, my sexual orientation, and those social characteristics which people associate with one gender or another make up what I call my gender identity, for short. These characteristics are: body: flat chest, wiry build, narrow hips, little subcutaneous fat, non-menstruating sexual: homocompatible bisexual person-- that is, I want to be a man in a relationship with another man, but tend to think of myself as more androgyne in a relationship with a woman; desire to penetrate my lovers in a giving way social: strong, outwardly controlled, inwardly passionate, honorable, to be called by male pronouns and terms of address, in control of situations, protective. This happens to more closely resemble, in my mind and due to the way my society and I have negotiated the construction of gender, a particular kind of what is called a "man". It has become important to me that I am allowed to participate in society as that particular kind of man. The easiest way for this to happen is to cultivate some outward signifiers of manhood. It is also highly important to me to interact with my lovers in a way which is in harmony with this construction of myself. It is less important but still fairly necessary to my happiness that some or all of the bodily characteristics that I associate with this kind of manhood start to match up. I am aware that many of these qualities do not seem like things which must necessarily be gendered, but to me they are permanently entangled with my gender identity.

If I were to sum up my "destination", I would have to say that it is to not have to negotiate my gender identity/role on a daily basis; to have some correct assumptions made about me by strangers and to have a certain pleasure in challenging the wrong ones; to match strength with strength and tenderness with tenderness with my lovers; to feel like my body is my own and not a tether which binds me to an unwanted social role.

Dad recently said he wanted to meet with me and Mary and Mom. It probably would be a good idea; it's something I've been thinking about for awhile. I still haven't come right out and said "Look guys, I'm going on testosterone." I have no idea what to do about grandma, whether I should come out to her or stop seeing her or just pretend nothing's happening as long as I can. My sister is great and my friends are great; I have an awesome support network I'm grateful for every day of my life. I have a lot of privileges through this transition that a lot of transfolk don't have, and I'm thankful for them; I intend to remain critical though of the kind of society that allows me to have them and not other people.

Photos soon of me pre-T and perhaps a voice recording if I can find something to record myself with.