Trans care from the state, on a harm-reduction model.

Shot on the 21st, went to the doctor yesterday the 22nd, will pick up my prescription today. Getting it was easy. Very easy.

Dr. M asked whether I was on any prescriptions, and I nearly forgot that testosterone counts. Then I told her my dosage— both what I was prescribed and what I upped it to, explained that yes, I was taking the medicine correctly, told who my doctor and therapist were, and then she asked me to list the major potential side effects. I know all this in practice but I blanked out after high blood pressure and cholesterol balance. Then she wrote me a prescription for the amount I have been actually taking— about six or seven times actually because she kept stopping and starting over on a fresh sheet. And then she didn't give me the scrip and I had to come back to get her to write a new one. Again. I understand why— this is probably pro-bono work, or next thing to it, and she's probably desperately tired at the end of an exhausting day. I also got a Hep A vaccine, and I learned I have evidently had Hep B&C vaccines in the past— I figured, but it's good to have confirmation. My deltoid is a bit sore from that, but not too much; I did some curls after coming home last night and maybe that helped.

I didn't really think about it before, but it's an interesting feeling that she wrote me the prescription for the dosage I've been taking, not what I was originally prescribed. I wouldn't have made the dosing schedule more frequent unless I needed to, obviously, but it's sort of interesting to have a doctor who has faith in that. Or, alternatively, doesn't care. Honestly, 50mg/10 days is so moderate that it's hardly more risky or taxing than 50mg/14 days.

I see her again at the end of January, so I expect if I feel like I need an increase then I can ask for it at that time. But as impatient as I am to get to the point where I'm regularly passing, I'd rather take the changes slowly. I think it will be easier on my body, I'll be more likely to preserve my voice, and I'll have less problems with mood swings than I would if I increased the dose by very much.

My experience, though, wasn't typical. I noticed a few people in the waiting area were complaining about having been "denied" for various things. Two long-haired transguys or genderqueer folk who were together— I'm reasonably certain they were on T already, so maybe a surgery was being discussed. One guy said he'd been denied twice already. It sounds like my privilege in having had the ability to pay for private care is carrying over into state care, which I sort of expected but feels kind of bad. Also, my education helps, because I'm able to sound like I really know what I'm talking about, and I think this makes doctors feel better about letting me make my own decisions. Is this a good thing? I don't know. I know a lot of the folks who go to the clinic seem to have mental health issues, which may in fact make it hard for them to make good decisions on their own, or may simply make it less likely that they'll be allowed to make decisions on their own. Obviously all that is very complicated.

Finding my voice

(some of the following was also posted in my main journal.)

I had my first voice lesson today.

My voice teacher's studio is within walking distance, although it takes me about forty minutes to get there. It's a pleasant walk, though, and I don't feel like it's any hardship. (We'll see how I feel when it starts raining.)

RJ tells me that the breaking in my voice, like those of all males at puberty, is caused by the vocal folds not settling on whether they should be oriented loosely and openly as in the chest voice, or barely touching one another as in the head voice. He also gave me to know that the cartilage in the throat is not fully developed until age 30-32. So I should benefit a great deal from HRT and training, insofar as my voice is concerned.

What I've taken away from my voice training so far is the feeling that my problem has been trying to use my chest voice before it's ready. It's something like moving into a new house while the foundations are still being laid; not only is it uncomfortable and awkward but you risk damaging the structure. So I'm being more gentle with myself, and while I'm practicing using my chest voice when it's available to me, I'm not going to try to force it when it isn't.

It also helps my confidence that I got called "young man" today when I wasn't using my chest voice.

The other parts of my problem are:

Not opening my throat sufficiently (i.e. raising the palate)
Speaking from the top of my chest
Breathing from the top of my chest
Not projecting the energy of my voice

These are things I'm working on by recording myself doing the voice exercises assigned to me, singing (I'm taking voice lessons just for speaking, but if I can learn to sing eventually that will please me immensely), and reading aloud. I've found that I can produce a very eerie head voice which sounds like a cross between the stereotypical "professional female speaking voice" and a male castrato. When my chest voice is entirely absent, in fact, this is my clearest reading voice. Needless to say I'm not completely in love with it, but it's been interesting to play with. The main thing I need to get this is to raise my palate a lot and open the resonating chambers in my head, and let the voice emerge from them very gently. It will be interesting to see how this openness and resonation affects my chest voice when it comes in more fully.

RJ is a decent sort; he asked how I preferred to be addressed and referred to, and while he definitely thinks of me as female— he absently gestured to me a couple of times when talking about women, then to himself when talking about men— it doesn't really affect my training. If it becomes an issue I'll bring it up. He has a house in a very wealthy part of town. His wife is an orthopedic surgeon, and while he no doubt brings in quite a bit from teaching and composing, the real financial power is no doubt hers. RJ seems to think he needs a self-confidence boost; he has an "Employee of the Month" certificate on his wall for his own business (of which he is the owner and sole employee). He also has a ceramic jar labeled "Rave Reviews" along the lines of the "Fairies" jars I used to see at Ren Faires. He's very gentle-mannered. I enjoyed working with him.

Voice stuff, and stuff

Friday I have my first voice lesson.

It's been bothering me enough lately that I can't control my voice that I actually set up a time to meet with a voice instructor. He's never worked with a trans guy before but he's very open and I think he'll be quite competent at helping me figure stuff out. It's not expensive, and once I work with him a bit I can work on my own with recordings.

Acne is worse. And my hairline has fixed itself, and I hope it's done doing that.

I've started a workout log, so that should help me get in shape— more male shape, hopefully. I'm committing to working out at least three times a week for the next two weeks. I only do really quick and easy workouts, so it shouldn't be a hardship.

Developing a dependency

I did my shot last night, and although I wasn't late for it exactly, I was having a really hard day until it hit my system. Today I feel back to normal. Apparently every ten days is about as long as I should be going between shots, which at 50 mg. is probably about right.

Wednesday I went back to TW and had my psychosocial and blood tests (rather a lot of blood drawn; sort of scary). And in two weeks I meet with a doc for the first time there. They'll probably take over my T prescription, which will be a relief. I actually still have half a bottle, though, and that should last me until the holidays at the rate I've been using it. Which means I could probably get it refilled in FL, if I get home for Christyuleidkwanzukkah. (Added another this year for a grand total of five! five holidays in one!)

I have been finally, finally noticing in the past few weeks that my hips have changed shape a little and that my legs have gotten a little more wiry. My hips actually look straight instead of voluptuous. I didn't believe that would actually happen and had resigned myself to always having maternal hips, but evidently more of it was fat than I thought.

Shot last night

In the right buttock this time, and it's far easier on the left for some reason. I also had a few sips of gin last night, as it was a holiday and a friend asked.

What's been happening lately in terms of the nonphysical side of transition?

Well, I've definitely been noticing that I have more energy, physically speaking, when I've had a shot recently. There's a "right after a shot jolt" which I should remember and strive to take advantage of. In fact, I did a few curls last night right before bed, an unusual event in the last week or two. I'm really going to make an effort to work out daily.

Recently I've been occasionally getting sirred, but people usually correct themselves. I seem to have passed at the shoe store a few weeks ago. At least, when the sales guy asked about my voice and I told him it was changing, the incredulous question he asked was "How old are you?" and not "What gender are you?" He commiserated about looking too young for our ages. Nice guy, odd sales technique.

Last night something a bit weird happened. I was sitting at the table with a bunch of folks, and X was talking to someone else about how he finds androgynous women attractive. This conversation went on for a fairly long period of time, and then they talked about something else, and then X came over and gave me a hug. (I think he thought I was depressed, because I was slightly buzzed and being sympathetic for someone who actually was.) Later, after, you know, shit hit the fan and X did most of the work cleaning up, I thanked him and also thanked him for the hug and he hugged me again and said that he really liked me a lot. And I told him I really like him a lot too. Which is true. I very much want him to be attracted to me (although I don't want to mess with his relationship with P & J, clearly), but not as an androgynous woman. And now I wonder whether he understands that as well as I thought he did.

Alright. Anyone who reads this and knows my house will now have all the information they need to make my life miserable. But anyone who knows me well enough to read this and also knows my house probably already knows that I have a mad crush on X and bizarre fantasies that I could make it work somehow if only etc. And unfortunately that "if only" probably involves at least screwing up the dynamic of his existing relationships, with two people I also care about. So I'm limiting myself to flirting only when invited and not taking things very seriously.

'twas honesty that brought him to this state— how fortunate the man with none.