One year.

So it's one year today. To recap:

I started on a low dose topical, which actually kicked changes off pretty quickly compared to some people's experiences. Then when I went to injections at a low dose, my T levels (subjectively) crashed until I spaced the doses closer together. Recently, I upped the dose (by accident, as I was using a different kind of syringe with different markings than I was used to, but I kept it there) to 100mg every 10 days, and that's where I'm at now. I'm also now on enanthate rather than cypionate.

Good things testosterone has done for me:

I like my chin prickles for the most part
I build muscle more quickly, and get it back more quickly when I lose it
I like my euphemism
I generally like my increased sex drive
My mood is much better, generally speaking
When my voice is working, I like it
I like my body fat redistribution
I don't bleed anymore thank the gods

Things testosterone hasn't affected:

It hasn't changed my personality
It hasn't totally fixed my voice yet (and at this point I'm getting worried it never will)
It hasn't given me a male build (okay, I just need to work out more consistently)
It hasn't made me pass consistently yet
It hasn't changed my patterns of attraction

Things I could do without:

Muscle cramps
The coarseness of some of the body hair
Acne, although it's not all that bad in my case
Those red dots just under the top layer of skin. Dad has them, and now I do too in places. What's up with that? Polycythemia?
Pudgy belly
The voice when it's bad
The whole injection thing

Social transition has been rockier than I'd expected, but overall, when I'm passing, I'm happier. On bad days I sit and question whether it actually makes me happier, or I only think it's making me happier, or what. (I don't even understand what that question means, really.) One of the best things is not getting the typical attention that women get— not harassment, but being looked at and taken notice of, even if it's innocent. When I'm passing, I feel more free to move around and less hampered by worries about what people are thinking about me. That probably seems trivial, but when I leave aside the vague unhelpful stuff about "at home in my body" and "can really be who I truly am," that's what I'm left with.

Ciara told me that I wouldn't feel totally confident in my decision until I'd found a partner. I wonder about that a lot. I can admit now that a lot of my gender identity is wrapped up in who and how I love. Dad wasn't far off, then, in that respect. I don't know if that makes my decision somehow less valid. But gender is social, and that's perfectly okay, at this time and in this place.

Pictures and voice posts to come.