One year.

So it's one year today. To recap:

I started on a low dose topical, which actually kicked changes off pretty quickly compared to some people's experiences. Then when I went to injections at a low dose, my T levels (subjectively) crashed until I spaced the doses closer together. Recently, I upped the dose (by accident, as I was using a different kind of syringe with different markings than I was used to, but I kept it there) to 100mg every 10 days, and that's where I'm at now. I'm also now on enanthate rather than cypionate.

Good things testosterone has done for me:

I like my chin prickles for the most part
I build muscle more quickly, and get it back more quickly when I lose it
I like my euphemism
I generally like my increased sex drive
My mood is much better, generally speaking
When my voice is working, I like it
I like my body fat redistribution
I don't bleed anymore thank the gods

Things testosterone hasn't affected:

It hasn't changed my personality
It hasn't totally fixed my voice yet (and at this point I'm getting worried it never will)
It hasn't given me a male build (okay, I just need to work out more consistently)
It hasn't made me pass consistently yet
It hasn't changed my patterns of attraction

Things I could do without:

Muscle cramps
The coarseness of some of the body hair
Acne, although it's not all that bad in my case
Those red dots just under the top layer of skin. Dad has them, and now I do too in places. What's up with that? Polycythemia?
Pudgy belly
The voice when it's bad
The whole injection thing

Social transition has been rockier than I'd expected, but overall, when I'm passing, I'm happier. On bad days I sit and question whether it actually makes me happier, or I only think it's making me happier, or what. (I don't even understand what that question means, really.) One of the best things is not getting the typical attention that women get— not harassment, but being looked at and taken notice of, even if it's innocent. When I'm passing, I feel more free to move around and less hampered by worries about what people are thinking about me. That probably seems trivial, but when I leave aside the vague unhelpful stuff about "at home in my body" and "can really be who I truly am," that's what I'm left with.

Ciara told me that I wouldn't feel totally confident in my decision until I'd found a partner. I wonder about that a lot. I can admit now that a lot of my gender identity is wrapped up in who and how I love. Dad wasn't far off, then, in that respect. I don't know if that makes my decision somehow less valid. But gender is social, and that's perfectly okay, at this time and in this place.

Pictures and voice posts to come.

Headcold, shmeadcold.

So much for a headcold. It was a sinus infection which affected my throat to the degree that I could hardly eat for a week. Still haven't put the muscle back on.

Anyrate, I had a shot last night, a couple of days late but I didn't feel it as badly as I did the last one. It was my first shot of the new vial, which is enanthate rather than cypionate. I haven't really felt any difference in effect. There was some cramping pain a few hours after my shot which I attribute to letting the muscle stiffen up, rather than switching to enanthate. I did notice a difference in the vial— the rubber cap was thick enough and stiff enough to break the tip of the needle. I switched the tip before I jabbed myself, and it felt fine, but since I don't have the kind of needles I had at first— with separate tips and syringes— I'm going to go through them rather faster than I want to, if this keeps up.

On Friday I had a bit of a party, belatedly for my birthday. I drank rather a lot, for me, and so I think I'll be dry for the next month or so. I didn't get hung over, quite, but I still think it would be a good idea; I want my liver functioning at peak condition.

April first will be one year on T. Full update then.

Better, but still not great.

Still low-energy and anti-social. It must be the headcold then. But I'm not actually feeling out of control like I was on Friday.

Shot at 9:10 today...

We'll see how long it takes for my first noticeable case of depression and crankiness from it being time for my shot to go away.

Gah.

I've been having a helluva lot of really painful cramps in my right calf. Connected with T increase? I dunno. I'll have to be more careful how I stretch, and take my vitamins.

Doubts.

The other day, I had about a half-hour of really crippling self-doubt. It hurt and it scared me. The more so because things are going so well.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, that things are going so well— but even as well as they are going, it hasn't all fallen into place yet. I haven't felt that "Yes, okay, my gender issues are fixed, or near enough that they don't matter to me anymore" click that I keep (stupidly) expecting. And this makes me really afraid that I'll always feel like this... sort of stuck, uncertain, having to work so hard at just being who I am.

Gods and Goddesses. It's only been ten months since I started T. And I only just moved myself up to a halfway normal dose. Should I know by now? Should I be a lot less scared? Or is it totally okay to feel like this at this point?

What helped was reading someone else's LJ, and reading the exact same things I was thinking when I first got ready to start T. I remembered how I felt then, and my feelings now made a lot more sense in context. I have unrealistic expectations. But all in all things are better. Sure I'm scared, but then, I would be. I'm never entirely unafraid. And I'm running at top speed lately, and so my daily stresses are building up.

Nonetheless, maybe I should avail myself of a counselor again. Or get to a support group nearby.

Comments disabled because it would be too easy for even my best-intentioned friends to put me back in that mood. Not that people read this anymore.

Doctor's appointment

Was short. Dr. Martinez was thrilled to see I'm doing so well. She said if I continue to do fine, then I can stay at 100 mg/10 days. In 12 weeks I come back for some bloodwork, and the following week I'm back in for another followup.

I also got jeans, which I haven't had in ages. I've been needing a pair. 31-30s are alright, if a little long in the leg. And I got a haircut, since which I've been passing a bit better.

Shot today; location, bleeding, and bruising

My last shot bled a lot and I still have bruising from it ten days later; I located tonight's injection higher up towards the hip and on the right side instead of the left, and so far no problem. It's a little sore, but there was no bleeding, and hopefully no bleeding means no bruising.

There is talk online about dorsoventral gluteal injections being associated with a risk for sciatic nerve damage; from the anatomical diagrams I can only imagine that this risk is extremely minimal if the point is located correctly and the injectee is of reasonable size and weight.

I've also realized I've begun injecting 100 mg instead of 50 mg; the new needles tricked me because there's no really visible .25 cc mark. I'm a-gonna assume that's what I should be doing anyway at this point, and if I have any difficulties with my levels we'll address it then. 100 mg/10 days seems like a more average dose than 50 mg/10 days. I would think I would have noticed something if the sudden change in dose was a severe trial for my system, but physically I've felt pretty good.

I'm keeping muscle on a little better, although I'm still not "built" or anything. I try to do at least a daily set of pushups and some curls, and crunches two times a week. It's not ideal, but it's what I have time for.

On Thursday I had a kind of shitty day related to pronouns and not being able to correct people in an effective but non-offensive way. I think I got mostly rebalanced, but I need to find some consistent way of dealing with this which will be a comfortable fallback when I am upset and stressed in general.

X has been helping me a lot. I'm so thankful for his supportive listening, and his love for me. It's all so new and I still have no idea where it's going to go. But I'm really happy about it. And as I said in my other journal, the less transition-focused one, I have trouble talking about this— love is not something people talk about, my childhood told me. I'll try to write more about it as I erode that barrier.

After Holiday Special

Right, well, it's not so much after the holidays as after the year has fully started up again.

While I was at my parents house, I did a lot of pushups. For one thing, I didn't have my weight (yes, singular) with me, so that seemed the only way to build bicepular competence. For another, I got bored a lot. But I do seem to actually be putting on some muscle now. My arms still look like those of a bookish, skinny, gawpy twelve year old boy, but at least they look like those of a bookish, skinny, gawpy twelve year old boy.

I now have one sideburn, the right. My left one isn't really grown in yet. I have a superstitious hunch that it will help if I inject my T on the left side more often. (YES I know it doesn't work like that shut up.)

I have been bleeding a lot from my injection site when I inject on the left side; I suspect I'm missing the point. This last one left me with a bad bruise. I'll have to go back and check to make sure I'm locating the injection site correctly.

And I am in love with a boy who loves me back, and there's been a little difficulty about his lack of experience dating the differently-genitaled. Nothing that we can't handle, although I admit to feeling very insecure because my feelings for him are really intense. I am a secondary partner to him, and I admit also that while I am usually perfectly happy in poly relationships, I feel a bit more precarious in this situation-- like I am just not "enough"-- and this is making me a little more clingy and needy than I might be ordinarily. Knowing that, though, is half the battle.

I spent last night in his bed, after we held each other and cuddled and talked quite a bit. It's making me feel all warm and capable of dealing with anything-- even the stressful stuff at my house. All in all, things are good, and I'm being challenged to grow in all kinds of ways.

Voice lessons, dose speculations, shots and thoughts

So, on Saturday I did a shot... rather than keeping track of numbers I'm just trying to hit general days, so I can remember when I do the next one.

I've had a second voice lesson, but not a third, and probably won't until after the holidays. It's frustrating, because I know my voice won't fix itself for awhile, and until it does, the best thing I could be doing for myself is talking softly in a gentle falsetto. And everything this guy seems to be telling me goes directly against every tip I've gotten for how to make my speech sound male. I'm like dude I just learned how to make sure my voice goes down to end a sentence with finality; I don't need you to tell me I sound too monotone. (I'm mostly kidding. I'm not hung up on sounding macho, it's just that right now I can use all the help I can get.)

I've also been talking with a linguist friend about research into how men and women differ in shaping vowels— it's not his specialty, so he doesn't have a lot to tell me, but maybe if I listen carefully I can hear the difference and replicate it?

I'm thinking that when I see my doctor in January I'll ask her if she will increase my dose to maybe 75mg or so. I am getting impatient, but I don't want to make the decision out of impatience. I want to make the decision according to what's best for my body at this stage. And that may well be to just wait and let the lower doses work, or it might be to keep the momentum of the changes by ramping up.

Am I impatient for chest surgery? Yes. But I have no hope of getting that done anytime soon. Would a hysto help the testosterone work better? Yes, but see above.

All this, and some days I wake up telling myself I've made the wrong choice, that I'm just a confused moron who would be better off either learning to be female or maybe sinking into a quiet oblivion than trying to do this. Because it's really hard. It feels harder here than it was in Florida, because the people here don't know me. And they still don't see me as male and it's driving me up the fucking wall that every time I correct someone's pronouns they give me this confused look like "Wha--? Oh, yeah." Because this is queer heaven, right?

Oh, hell, I just want to fucking pass already. Please. I can't believe I ever thought I'd be okay living as an androgynous woman. And third sex was never an option for me, as much as I thought it was.

So why do I still have this terror, every now and again, that I'm making a huge mistake? Does that mean I'm making a huge mistake?

I think about these things a lot, when I'm alone, when I'm in the shower, when I'm at a party wishing I could for gods' sake find someone to dance with who thinks I'm sexy who isn't looking for a woman. Then I go out and someone refers to me as "she" and it hits me in the gut. I don't want to be "she" and I don't want to live as a woman, and going back to that would be intolerable.

This update has gotten a bit more personal than most. I feel like all the progress I made in Florida, where I felt so comfortable and confident about myself and my transition, has eroded away. And here, now, mostly I feel lonely, scared, and excited for the future all at once. That makes it really hard to take things slowly, concentrate on my studies and finding a job, and not push myself. It also makes me want to just hide in my room until all this is over.

That's not an option I'll allow myself. I have school, I will have a job, and furthermore the only way I'll be well-adjusted after all this is if I keep making myself interact with the world even when it's really tough to do that. So, I will do that. I will leave my room. I will even leave the house at times when it is other than strictly necessary. And I will learn patience.

Trans care from the state, on a harm-reduction model.

Shot on the 21st, went to the doctor yesterday the 22nd, will pick up my prescription today. Getting it was easy. Very easy.

Dr. M asked whether I was on any prescriptions, and I nearly forgot that testosterone counts. Then I told her my dosage— both what I was prescribed and what I upped it to, explained that yes, I was taking the medicine correctly, told who my doctor and therapist were, and then she asked me to list the major potential side effects. I know all this in practice but I blanked out after high blood pressure and cholesterol balance. Then she wrote me a prescription for the amount I have been actually taking— about six or seven times actually because she kept stopping and starting over on a fresh sheet. And then she didn't give me the scrip and I had to come back to get her to write a new one. Again. I understand why— this is probably pro-bono work, or next thing to it, and she's probably desperately tired at the end of an exhausting day. I also got a Hep A vaccine, and I learned I have evidently had Hep B&C vaccines in the past— I figured, but it's good to have confirmation. My deltoid is a bit sore from that, but not too much; I did some curls after coming home last night and maybe that helped.

I didn't really think about it before, but it's an interesting feeling that she wrote me the prescription for the dosage I've been taking, not what I was originally prescribed. I wouldn't have made the dosing schedule more frequent unless I needed to, obviously, but it's sort of interesting to have a doctor who has faith in that. Or, alternatively, doesn't care. Honestly, 50mg/10 days is so moderate that it's hardly more risky or taxing than 50mg/14 days.

I see her again at the end of January, so I expect if I feel like I need an increase then I can ask for it at that time. But as impatient as I am to get to the point where I'm regularly passing, I'd rather take the changes slowly. I think it will be easier on my body, I'll be more likely to preserve my voice, and I'll have less problems with mood swings than I would if I increased the dose by very much.

My experience, though, wasn't typical. I noticed a few people in the waiting area were complaining about having been "denied" for various things. Two long-haired transguys or genderqueer folk who were together— I'm reasonably certain they were on T already, so maybe a surgery was being discussed. One guy said he'd been denied twice already. It sounds like my privilege in having had the ability to pay for private care is carrying over into state care, which I sort of expected but feels kind of bad. Also, my education helps, because I'm able to sound like I really know what I'm talking about, and I think this makes doctors feel better about letting me make my own decisions. Is this a good thing? I don't know. I know a lot of the folks who go to the clinic seem to have mental health issues, which may in fact make it hard for them to make good decisions on their own, or may simply make it less likely that they'll be allowed to make decisions on their own. Obviously all that is very complicated.

Finding my voice

(some of the following was also posted in my main journal.)

I had my first voice lesson today.

My voice teacher's studio is within walking distance, although it takes me about forty minutes to get there. It's a pleasant walk, though, and I don't feel like it's any hardship. (We'll see how I feel when it starts raining.)

RJ tells me that the breaking in my voice, like those of all males at puberty, is caused by the vocal folds not settling on whether they should be oriented loosely and openly as in the chest voice, or barely touching one another as in the head voice. He also gave me to know that the cartilage in the throat is not fully developed until age 30-32. So I should benefit a great deal from HRT and training, insofar as my voice is concerned.

What I've taken away from my voice training so far is the feeling that my problem has been trying to use my chest voice before it's ready. It's something like moving into a new house while the foundations are still being laid; not only is it uncomfortable and awkward but you risk damaging the structure. So I'm being more gentle with myself, and while I'm practicing using my chest voice when it's available to me, I'm not going to try to force it when it isn't.

It also helps my confidence that I got called "young man" today when I wasn't using my chest voice.

The other parts of my problem are:

Not opening my throat sufficiently (i.e. raising the palate)
Speaking from the top of my chest
Breathing from the top of my chest
Not projecting the energy of my voice

These are things I'm working on by recording myself doing the voice exercises assigned to me, singing (I'm taking voice lessons just for speaking, but if I can learn to sing eventually that will please me immensely), and reading aloud. I've found that I can produce a very eerie head voice which sounds like a cross between the stereotypical "professional female speaking voice" and a male castrato. When my chest voice is entirely absent, in fact, this is my clearest reading voice. Needless to say I'm not completely in love with it, but it's been interesting to play with. The main thing I need to get this is to raise my palate a lot and open the resonating chambers in my head, and let the voice emerge from them very gently. It will be interesting to see how this openness and resonation affects my chest voice when it comes in more fully.

RJ is a decent sort; he asked how I preferred to be addressed and referred to, and while he definitely thinks of me as female— he absently gestured to me a couple of times when talking about women, then to himself when talking about men— it doesn't really affect my training. If it becomes an issue I'll bring it up. He has a house in a very wealthy part of town. His wife is an orthopedic surgeon, and while he no doubt brings in quite a bit from teaching and composing, the real financial power is no doubt hers. RJ seems to think he needs a self-confidence boost; he has an "Employee of the Month" certificate on his wall for his own business (of which he is the owner and sole employee). He also has a ceramic jar labeled "Rave Reviews" along the lines of the "Fairies" jars I used to see at Ren Faires. He's very gentle-mannered. I enjoyed working with him.

Voice stuff, and stuff

Friday I have my first voice lesson.

It's been bothering me enough lately that I can't control my voice that I actually set up a time to meet with a voice instructor. He's never worked with a trans guy before but he's very open and I think he'll be quite competent at helping me figure stuff out. It's not expensive, and once I work with him a bit I can work on my own with recordings.

Acne is worse. And my hairline has fixed itself, and I hope it's done doing that.

I've started a workout log, so that should help me get in shape— more male shape, hopefully. I'm committing to working out at least three times a week for the next two weeks. I only do really quick and easy workouts, so it shouldn't be a hardship.

Developing a dependency

I did my shot last night, and although I wasn't late for it exactly, I was having a really hard day until it hit my system. Today I feel back to normal. Apparently every ten days is about as long as I should be going between shots, which at 50 mg. is probably about right.

Wednesday I went back to TW and had my psychosocial and blood tests (rather a lot of blood drawn; sort of scary). And in two weeks I meet with a doc for the first time there. They'll probably take over my T prescription, which will be a relief. I actually still have half a bottle, though, and that should last me until the holidays at the rate I've been using it. Which means I could probably get it refilled in FL, if I get home for Christyuleidkwanzukkah. (Added another this year for a grand total of five! five holidays in one!)

I have been finally, finally noticing in the past few weeks that my hips have changed shape a little and that my legs have gotten a little more wiry. My hips actually look straight instead of voluptuous. I didn't believe that would actually happen and had resigned myself to always having maternal hips, but evidently more of it was fat than I thought.

Shot last night

In the right buttock this time, and it's far easier on the left for some reason. I also had a few sips of gin last night, as it was a holiday and a friend asked.

What's been happening lately in terms of the nonphysical side of transition?

Well, I've definitely been noticing that I have more energy, physically speaking, when I've had a shot recently. There's a "right after a shot jolt" which I should remember and strive to take advantage of. In fact, I did a few curls last night right before bed, an unusual event in the last week or two. I'm really going to make an effort to work out daily.

Recently I've been occasionally getting sirred, but people usually correct themselves. I seem to have passed at the shoe store a few weeks ago. At least, when the sales guy asked about my voice and I told him it was changing, the incredulous question he asked was "How old are you?" and not "What gender are you?" He commiserated about looking too young for our ages. Nice guy, odd sales technique.

Last night something a bit weird happened. I was sitting at the table with a bunch of folks, and X was talking to someone else about how he finds androgynous women attractive. This conversation went on for a fairly long period of time, and then they talked about something else, and then X came over and gave me a hug. (I think he thought I was depressed, because I was slightly buzzed and being sympathetic for someone who actually was.) Later, after, you know, shit hit the fan and X did most of the work cleaning up, I thanked him and also thanked him for the hug and he hugged me again and said that he really liked me a lot. And I told him I really like him a lot too. Which is true. I very much want him to be attracted to me (although I don't want to mess with his relationship with P & J, clearly), but not as an androgynous woman. And now I wonder whether he understands that as well as I thought he did.

Alright. Anyone who reads this and knows my house will now have all the information they need to make my life miserable. But anyone who knows me well enough to read this and also knows my house probably already knows that I have a mad crush on X and bizarre fantasies that I could make it work somehow if only etc. And unfortunately that "if only" probably involves at least screwing up the dynamic of his existing relationships, with two people I also care about. So I'm limiting myself to flirting only when invited and not taking things very seriously.

'twas honesty that brought him to this state— how fortunate the man with none.

Shot today

The first time in the ass I would consider a success (it was left today, for reference next time). It is much easier lying down, although I definitely need to get more flexible.

The needles I got from Tom Waddell are really cool— they're the kind that retract with a spring when you shoot them. It scared holy crap out of me because I wasn't expecting it; I thought it had broken off in my butt or something. Good plan. They can't be reused, and I also don't have to worry about poking myself with them.

Tom Waddell Center

I finally got to Tom Waddell today. It was a bit scary, finding the place and all, and once I got there I didn't understand what to do. But someone finally told me where to go and what to fill out, and I did it, and saw someone for the intake. They gave me some new needles for my testosterone and I was told since I already had a scrip, it would probably be no trouble getting it refilled through the clinic. My next appointment is the 9th November at ten in the morning. (I'm going to have to get to Civic Center by ten. Oh gods.)

It was sort of reassuring that I was kindly treated there, and compared to some other folks there I felt like I had it together really well, so I feel more confident that I'll be able to have some kind of improvement in my life. And that even if I don't, there are services for people who have it really rough. I will survive even if it gets worse.

The other day I went to my bank. Credit unions are awesome. The teller noticed when I flinched at "Ms." and corrected herself without me saying anything, and told me she would try to put a note of my name of use on the account. I felt so warm and cuddly.

Shot Number Nine...

Two days late. Or early, depending on whether I use my dose schedule or the one from my doc.

I'm definitely getting more acne these days. My voice continues to sound like I'm gargling bolts at various points. I am taking voice exercises from a theatre friend, and I hope this will help me develop some control in my new range. I keep not getting around to making a voice post, but I really should do that tomorrow.

Workout

Four sets of 21s, a set of fifteen crunches, ten incline pushups, and ten lat presses or whatever I call them things. Pretty good for not having done anything since last time I posted a workout report.

Eighth Shot Yesterday

Tried it in the butt. It wasn't as fun as I'd always heard it would be. (I told you to stop laughing, you perverts! I'm talking about my testosterone injections.) I think it's less painful and more efficient for me to shoot into the thigh. I wasn't sore afterward, though. The main problem was that I tried it standing and my blood pressure dropped a lot from anxiety, so I nearly passed out. I suppose I could try lying down on my side, but I've had no real problems with the thigh so maybe I'll just stick to that.

I've really got to go to Tom Waddell on Tuesday; I only have one more syringe.

Today was my orientation for school. I introduced myself as trans and asked people to use male pronouns for me right away, and then at another icebreaker game I reminded one of the second-year students to use male pronouns when talking about me in front of the class. This was honored and it felt really good. I think my classmates may pick it up quicker than my housemates.

Still no job. Depression and anxiety about that.