Group today; other random stuff

Group today was awesome. Usually I'm a little weirded out by the whole support group thing. But basically it's nice to actually talk to other trans people in real life. But today we had twice as many FTMs as usual, and that felt a lot better. So there were almost as many trans guys as trans women.

I won't go into more detail lest I accidentally violate someone's privacy, but it was pretty neat. The usual balance of fun and issues. Made an appointment with my parents for June 20th at 5:30; must remember.

Damn, forgot to pick up condoms while at ALSO. No matter; I need to find Avantis now. Latex is really bothering me, apparently. I wish I'd known I was sensitive a long time ago.

I keep omitting mention of the fact that my [euphemism] has probably doubled in size the last month. Which is not a big deal, since really tiny plus really tiny still equals tiny, but bodes well for my future I think. I have on occasion put the extra gel on my [euphemism], which might or might not be helping but probably isn't hurting (other than burning a little).

I'll have to switch to shots and I'm not looking forward to it much. I have yet to manage to hypnotize myself out of needlephobia. I know! I'll ask TaiChi Will to give me some NLP techniques!

Fourth Voice Post: Twenty-Eight Days

Nothing's changed, really. It sounds higher, actually, but that's probably because it's late in the day.

T notes: Day 20

I think my chest is smaller. It's easier to squish down, at any rate. Should fat migration be happening yet? Maybe I am just hallucinating, but it's pretty convincing to me.

My sex drive spiked there for awhile but it seems to be back down to normal, or maybe that's just the post-bleedy trough. My voice hasn't gone anywhere for the last few days.

Saw T's friend M last night-- he is a sweetheart, always calls me "dude" on the phone but doesn't overdo it.

Grrr.

As of yesterday I was STILL fucking bleeding. Only a little. Hopefully it's truly stopped now, because that's a long fucking time for me. T stole the freeweights which belong to her anyway, but she has promised to bring them back for me when she finds them, since she doesn't use them. Meanwhile, flashlight and soup cans.

Workout Notes

Yesterday I did a nice arm workout (for skinny little me), including curls with a twist and some tricep exercises and some stuff for my delts. Today I'm going to give that a rest and work my lats and upper back.

The goal with working out is to encourage the energy increase, give myself a break from thesis, and give my body a more male shape. To do that I want to build my shoulders and back so I can create the illusion of that V shape guys are supposed to have. To that end I'll be doing a lot of work on my deltoids and my lats. The end.

Third Voice Post: Sixteen Days

It's too bad this is late, but I suppose a couple of days doesn't make much difference one way or another.

On a much less fun note

Cramps and bleeding today, probably about a week early (I can never keep track of this shit). So far it's not as heavy as it normally is with me. I don't like it. Probably have about a year before it stops altogether, if I keep this dosage up.

Fuckin sexy.

bare chest,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

(Right.) That's me, pretending my chest is shaped right, and trying to hold the camera steady enough that the slow shutter speed (because the flash is off) won't blur the whole thing out entirely. And I'm pretending I'm not taking a picture of myself. Oh well. It was a cute effort.

Scruff.

stubble 2,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

This is what my chin stubble looks like now. Of course, you won't be able to see it in the thumbnail. Hell, maybe you can't even see it in the full size version. I like to think there's more of it than the last close-up I took of my chin (a hobby only trans guys seem to have) but maybe not, or maybe there's really no way of telling.

You can see a little bit of it on my upper lip, too. Maybe. I can, anyway.

T-Notes: Day 10

The veins on the backs of my hands are standing out more. Especially when I apply the T-gel. When I let it absorb in, my palms flush and my veins stand out like mad, like they are swelling up to absorb the T better. Which I think is neat.

My voice definitely seemed lower today. Will do another recording at two weeks.

Second Voice Post: 1 week on T

My god. It actually does sound different. A very little different, but different.

It's got to be mental. One week cannot make any actual physical difference, can it?

T-notes: Day 6

Nothing much new to report. I observed that far from making me angrier, on T I am more easily able to let go of things that make me angry. It may be a mood thing, but I know hormones affect the mood a lot, so I'm keeping an eye on everything. Basically something that would have pissed me off for a long time in traffic today only made me flare briefly and then the feeling went away. So if I can keep acting like a human during that brief flare-up, I won't keep being prone to doing stupid things later. Before, if something made me angry I was likely to stay angry for a few hours, or at least be more prone to snapping at people the rest of the day.

My thighs seem a little more muscular but I'm not sure why that would be, unless my fat is migrating already.

My pulse is faster.

No new hair that I can tell. Maybe my voice is really being funny and maybe not. I won't know for another week or so probably. I'll make another audio post tomorrow, just for laughs.

Oh-- my scent has started changing though. I noticed that this morning. I thought I would hate that but I don't.

me reading

me reading,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

Just something I snapped on Saturday. I'm a wee bit proud of being able to take this photo myself. Which is why I'm reading with one hand, perverts.

T-Notes: Day 4

My face is definitely oilier. I am guessing I have about a week before I have to go get some serious acne treatment; for right now harsh anti-oil face-wash twice daily is working okay.

My voice was back to normal today.

Muscles still tight. Which also, I suppose, means they aren't losing what I put on them when I work out quite as quickly as they used to.

I do feel more assertive, confident, and energetic. I do not feel any more focused, which isn't helping my thesis.

I think I am feeling strange sensations in my abdomen, as if T is affecting how I process stuff in my intestines. Which would be weird, but stranger things have happened. When I had O-cysts back in high school, my doctor told me my digestive difficulties were related to them because of hormone interactions. Maybe it's the same deal.

Jerking off seems a little different, but in a decidedly positive way. If you don't want to hear about that, get over it; this is my transition journal and no one is making you read it. The difference is that now my body has a tendency to want to thrust when I come, which it didn't so much before. It's not something I have any control over, so it's probably not to do with any change in my mindset.

Workout Notes

Did some curls today and some of the upward punchy things and some of the over the head thingies you're not really supposed to do. I don't remember how many. Not too many. Aren't I dedicated?

Pic of Jakob

Jakob 3,
originally uploaded by kerrick adrian.

Jakob at his parents' house on Lake Magdalene. He is holding a video camera with which he intends to make a documentary about GLBT people in former Yugoslavia. He is squinting into the sun and grinning. It was a fantastic day-- even the weather was great, especially in the wind from the lake.

It's a real lake, you know. It was there before humans decided to put houses there, and then developers actually planned the houses around the LAKE, which was already there. I know, but this is a novelty where I come from.

T-notes: Day 3

I should have posted on the first day, but a lot was happening, most of which I will tell you about.

So the very first time I put this stuff on my skin, I thought I could feel what was happening. It was strange. I'm sure it was just my imagination; placebo effect works very well on me when I want it to because I'm very aware of how my mind influences my body, given an excuse. But my energy levels shot way up, through the roof. I had euphoria, my voice felt lower (because I was more confident using it), and I was just generally in a great mood. I did, however, have some Spleen Qi Descending and Dampness problems, but that could also be because of all the sugar I ate the night before.

I met Jakob, with whom I went to high school, and that was OUTSTANDING. I love this guy. In high school we weren't that close because I was in my own little world, but we hit it off really well this weekend. I met his parents, who are cool, and his brother and sister in law and his dog. Even his dog is cool. Everything was cool. I also took him home to my parents because my dad had met him before and I hoped it would help them see that-- well, I'm not going to die and be replaced by a pod person or anything. I think that helped. And my dad called me "he" for the first time. (Of course, I spent the rest of the weekend being called "he" unhesitatingly by everyone from the folks at Sacred Grounds to Jakob's sister-in-law. Which was also an amazing feeling.)

The plans are now for me to take a cross-country road trip with him to get our stuff to Cali-- because I'm not the only gay FTM from my class at my magnet high school to be moving to Berkeley this year. We want to write a book together. And he's going to help me hook up with some roommates. I am so incredibly excited about the way my life is going. All I have to do is finish this thesis so I can get there.

It's like the universe is raising the stakes. "Look at what you might win!"

Oh. I meant to be talking about T. Okay. The second day I didn't really feel as much energy, but that might be because I didn't sleep much. I did start to get a little acne but not more than I sometimes get anyway; it just seemed more stubborn. And Tina told me my voice sounded deeper. Maybe I'd better make another voice post after the first week instead of waiting a month.

Today I feel more energy again but I also have a headache. I unwisely went to Changeling last night-- I say unwisely because I was having so much goddamn fun being me I didn't want to be anybody else-- and it took me awhile to wake up. I should also drink some water.

Oh, another thing I forgot. My muscles feel a lot tighter. It's weird.