Doubts.

The other day, I had about a half-hour of really crippling self-doubt. It hurt and it scared me. The more so because things are going so well.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, that things are going so well— but even as well as they are going, it hasn't all fallen into place yet. I haven't felt that "Yes, okay, my gender issues are fixed, or near enough that they don't matter to me anymore" click that I keep (stupidly) expecting. And this makes me really afraid that I'll always feel like this... sort of stuck, uncertain, having to work so hard at just being who I am.

Gods and Goddesses. It's only been ten months since I started T. And I only just moved myself up to a halfway normal dose. Should I know by now? Should I be a lot less scared? Or is it totally okay to feel like this at this point?

What helped was reading someone else's LJ, and reading the exact same things I was thinking when I first got ready to start T. I remembered how I felt then, and my feelings now made a lot more sense in context. I have unrealistic expectations. But all in all things are better. Sure I'm scared, but then, I would be. I'm never entirely unafraid. And I'm running at top speed lately, and so my daily stresses are building up.

Nonetheless, maybe I should avail myself of a counselor again. Or get to a support group nearby.

Comments disabled because it would be too easy for even my best-intentioned friends to put me back in that mood. Not that people read this anymore.