Voice lessons, dose speculations, shots and thoughts

So, on Saturday I did a shot... rather than keeping track of numbers I'm just trying to hit general days, so I can remember when I do the next one.

I've had a second voice lesson, but not a third, and probably won't until after the holidays. It's frustrating, because I know my voice won't fix itself for awhile, and until it does, the best thing I could be doing for myself is talking softly in a gentle falsetto. And everything this guy seems to be telling me goes directly against every tip I've gotten for how to make my speech sound male. I'm like dude I just learned how to make sure my voice goes down to end a sentence with finality; I don't need you to tell me I sound too monotone. (I'm mostly kidding. I'm not hung up on sounding macho, it's just that right now I can use all the help I can get.)

I've also been talking with a linguist friend about research into how men and women differ in shaping vowels— it's not his specialty, so he doesn't have a lot to tell me, but maybe if I listen carefully I can hear the difference and replicate it?

I'm thinking that when I see my doctor in January I'll ask her if she will increase my dose to maybe 75mg or so. I am getting impatient, but I don't want to make the decision out of impatience. I want to make the decision according to what's best for my body at this stage. And that may well be to just wait and let the lower doses work, or it might be to keep the momentum of the changes by ramping up.

Am I impatient for chest surgery? Yes. But I have no hope of getting that done anytime soon. Would a hysto help the testosterone work better? Yes, but see above.

All this, and some days I wake up telling myself I've made the wrong choice, that I'm just a confused moron who would be better off either learning to be female or maybe sinking into a quiet oblivion than trying to do this. Because it's really hard. It feels harder here than it was in Florida, because the people here don't know me. And they still don't see me as male and it's driving me up the fucking wall that every time I correct someone's pronouns they give me this confused look like "Wha--? Oh, yeah." Because this is queer heaven, right?

Oh, hell, I just want to fucking pass already. Please. I can't believe I ever thought I'd be okay living as an androgynous woman. And third sex was never an option for me, as much as I thought it was.

So why do I still have this terror, every now and again, that I'm making a huge mistake? Does that mean I'm making a huge mistake?

I think about these things a lot, when I'm alone, when I'm in the shower, when I'm at a party wishing I could for gods' sake find someone to dance with who thinks I'm sexy who isn't looking for a woman. Then I go out and someone refers to me as "she" and it hits me in the gut. I don't want to be "she" and I don't want to live as a woman, and going back to that would be intolerable.

This update has gotten a bit more personal than most. I feel like all the progress I made in Florida, where I felt so comfortable and confident about myself and my transition, has eroded away. And here, now, mostly I feel lonely, scared, and excited for the future all at once. That makes it really hard to take things slowly, concentrate on my studies and finding a job, and not push myself. It also makes me want to just hide in my room until all this is over.

That's not an option I'll allow myself. I have school, I will have a job, and furthermore the only way I'll be well-adjusted after all this is if I keep making myself interact with the world even when it's really tough to do that. So, I will do that. I will leave my room. I will even leave the house at times when it is other than strictly necessary. And I will learn patience.