Seventh Shot and Working Out

Took the seventh shot on the 20th, in the evening, then walked around the house and then went to bed. Since then have been sitting at the computer all day doing job search stuff, until yesterday when I walked a couple of miles. No soreness except some yesterday afternoon. That was still in the thigh; I plan to try it in the ass (stop laughing) next time.

Today did three 21s, worked the delts some, and did some sit-ups. I'm going to have another go-round after dinner probably. Back is really weak. Better fix that.

Still haven't been to Tom Waddell. Maybe Tuesday.

Working Out

I just did three 21s with my teeny little 8lb weight the way Zev told me. It feels pretty good. Give it a week or so and it might not even hurt. Only one set with my feet off the ground, but that didn't feel too bad so I'll do more of those next time. I really should get tens and twelves. Also it would be nice to have two so I can work both sides at once.

Sixth shot.

Administered this morning. Feeling good. Especially hungry. Danced a lot last night and am head over heels in crush. More on that later if anything actually develops.

Ramblings

I'm feeling a bit better today, although the problem hasn't gone away. I actually did get out today, which helped. Exercise makes me feel better. I also saw the preview for Transgeneration, the docu/reality show from LOGO. It was interesting. It was involving, and I felt like the film engaged me with each of the participants as individuals, which is the bare minimum of what it should do. So I was relieved. Tomorrow I'm off to CK for the last time. Today I was moving furniture for them.

Ah, Sunday is my next shot! I almost forgot. It will be the sixth dose.

Here are some notes:
My facial hair comes in more rapidly now, although not any thicker.
My voice is in a really sucky scratchy phase right now, but I think a lot of it is just forgetting and not talking in my male register the way my voice wants to be used now. I REALLY need those voice lessons but I think I am going to just do some exercises for now.
I am not losing muscle as fast as I used to.
I have a very hairy belly and ass, and my belly is flabby in a whole new way. When I'm not freaking out about my body I can see that it looks just fine; in my worse moods my soft middle clearly means I need to not eat for a day or so. This is not cool and I really need to watch this. I just looked and it's not to the point where I have a diagnosable eating disorder. But it's obviously a tendency I need to keep a close eye on.
My feet are really hairy.
My shoulders need work. My deltoids are almost nonexistent, and this makes men's shirts not fit very well.
I need new binders as my old ones are sort of stretched out at this point.

I'm looking at my budget for the coming months. If I'm working on the boat and making around 1600 a month, I can put $800 of that to rent/food/utilities, around $200 to transportation and miscellaneous expenses, and then save $600/month. That means I might be able to afford chest surgery in a year. Would I be ready for that? I think so. I think it would help me feel a lot better about myself. I've been really twitchy about my chest lately. But if I end up working for JFKU, I would only make about 1300 a month. But also some of my school would be paid for in six months. So maybe in that case I would use some of my loan money for chest surgery. I could budget again $800 for rent/utilities/food, $200 for transportation and miscellaneous expenses, and save $300 a month. So then in a year I would have half of my surgery saved up and maybe I would feel okay using loans to pay for the other half. I am not sure about that; I would have to see.

I have to go to Tom Waddell and see if I really get my hormones free/cheap. That will help a lot.

Another Bloody Damn

I increased the frequency of my shots slightly— I had one the day of my arrival (August 22nd), one on September first, and my fifth dose is on the tenth. But yesterday I started bleeding again, and it isn't light. I'm really upset and choosing not to talk about it with my housemates because I want them to see me as male, and so I want to preserve my privacy around things like this. But damn is it hard. I wasn't bleeding at all on the gel. I need to go to Tom Waddell next week and ask them for blood tests and to supervise my dosage increase.

On the up side, my voice continues to shift. My facial hair is growing in faster and more noticeably than ever. My muscles seem to be holding their development better. Voice post when I have a new phone to use.

Yesterday I had a hard time making myself eat, and I know today with being frustrated at the bleeding it will be just as hard if not harder. I know better than to succumb to something like this, I really do. But the other night when C said something about being chubby (it was in the context of a name game, but she's skinny as hell) and with J dealing with his own eating disorder stuff it's been really hard. I don't even know if I could be classed as having an eating disorder, but if JH does, maybe I need to own the fact that I'm at least borderline for one.

This is depressing. I passed last night briefly, but other than that I almost never pass here, and people here have a hard time with pronouns and I have a hard time correcting them without making it sound like I'm mad at them or nagging. Everything other than the gender stuff is great. Everyone has been really respectful and I feel really welcome. But I've been really dysphoric for the last two weeks and it's hard.