Here we go again.

I've decided yet again that I need a separate transition journal. This will be public, but most of my friends are not going to go out of their way to read it, due to the fact that it would probably bore them to tears.

As things stand now, I have my initial visit with Dr. Lupo on March 15th. I hope to get transdermal T, because I'm a big wuss about needles and because I don't want to have the added stress of hormone fluctuations. Things that might become complications-- I had diabetic-like symptoms of excessive thirst, frequent urination, tiredness, and strange taste in my mouth periodically for the last few weeks. I think I noticed it first around February 23rd or so. There is no glucose in my urine but I couldn't get a decent blood sugar reading due perhaps to tester incompetence, contamination of the strips, or malfunction or miscalibration of the instrument. So a GTT will probably be in order. I might conceivably have PCOS, although I don't really have any symptoms-- I'm slightly hairier than perhaps I should be with no exogenous hormones, my periods are pretty painful, and it could be a factor in screwing with my blood sugar if that's what's happening. So I need to be checked out for these two things.

Dad tells me I should have Lupo send me to LabCorp for my tests since we get them covered there. Hopefully that will pan out.

I've lost a little weight in the last couple of weeks due to drastically cutting back on sugar and fat, but it doesn't seem to be unhealthy. My digestion has gotten better too. So I'm going to try to keep this up for awhile. My build is skinny and soft. I've got a few dark hairs on my chin from shaving and some kind of halfhearted effort towards sideburns. My voice is high and soft when I'm speaking in front of other people, and when I'm tense it shoots up into mickey-mouse type registers. Emotionally, I'm often more passive than I want to be. I spend a lot of time being cute because cute is what has always worked for me in the past. I have a tendency to get very angry and then bottle it up; I feel like I need to watch my anger management as T makes me more impulsive (possibly).

What I hope for from T is to lower my voice, hopefully while not losing such ability to use it as I have, to not have such noticeable subdermal fat which gives me a soft feminine look, to work out enough to gain a wiry and strong build without necessarily trying to get "cut" or "built", to get more facial hair so that I can pass, but not to become a "bear" type. I would love to have more energy and less tendency to depression, but I don't need to have any more problems with anger, impatience, or frustration. I'd like for my cock to grow as much as possible, since I'm not looking toward having genital surgery any time soon, if ever.

I have thought about taking saw palmetto as a DHT inhibitor to prevent baldness and minimize excess body hair growth-- I probably won't start that until I see all the facial hair growth I think I need. It shouldn't affect any other type of masculinization.

I need to do some vocal exercises. I've always wanted to be able to sing, but couldn't because I couldn't stand my voice. I don't want to end up with an extremely reedy male voice, and I think some form of vocal exercises while I transition would be good.

Here's something I wrote recently about my personal experience of my gender:

I am not changing into a man. I was not always a man in a woman's body. To me, manhood and womanhood are constructed. The portions of my identity which are closely related to my body, my sexual orientation, and those social characteristics which people associate with one gender or another make up what I call my gender identity, for short. These characteristics are: body: flat chest, wiry build, narrow hips, little subcutaneous fat, non-menstruating sexual: homocompatible bisexual person-- that is, I want to be a man in a relationship with another man, but tend to think of myself as more androgyne in a relationship with a woman; desire to penetrate my lovers in a giving way social: strong, outwardly controlled, inwardly passionate, honorable, to be called by male pronouns and terms of address, in control of situations, protective. This happens to more closely resemble, in my mind and due to the way my society and I have negotiated the construction of gender, a particular kind of what is called a "man". It has become important to me that I am allowed to participate in society as that particular kind of man. The easiest way for this to happen is to cultivate some outward signifiers of manhood. It is also highly important to me to interact with my lovers in a way which is in harmony with this construction of myself. It is less important but still fairly necessary to my happiness that some or all of the bodily characteristics that I associate with this kind of manhood start to match up. I am aware that many of these qualities do not seem like things which must necessarily be gendered, but to me they are permanently entangled with my gender identity.

If I were to sum up my "destination", I would have to say that it is to not have to negotiate my gender identity/role on a daily basis; to have some correct assumptions made about me by strangers and to have a certain pleasure in challenging the wrong ones; to match strength with strength and tenderness with tenderness with my lovers; to feel like my body is my own and not a tether which binds me to an unwanted social role.

Dad recently said he wanted to meet with me and Mary and Mom. It probably would be a good idea; it's something I've been thinking about for awhile. I still haven't come right out and said "Look guys, I'm going on testosterone." I have no idea what to do about grandma, whether I should come out to her or stop seeing her or just pretend nothing's happening as long as I can. My sister is great and my friends are great; I have an awesome support network I'm grateful for every day of my life. I have a lot of privileges through this transition that a lot of transfolk don't have, and I'm thankful for them; I intend to remain critical though of the kind of society that allows me to have them and not other people.

Photos soon of me pre-T and perhaps a voice recording if I can find something to record myself with.