You ever have one of those moments...

Sometimes life offers you something that looks too amazingly good to be true. And then you realize that even if there are no strings attached, it's not something you deserve. Thinking about it more, you realize that even if there are no strings attached, it might be bad for you-- rot your teeth or something. And then thinking about it more you realize that even if it's not bad for you and there are no strings attached, you would feel so guilty about taking it that you would attach some strings yourself.

My parents offered to pay for my first year of hormones.

Androgel, to boot.

If I guilt tripped them into this with that oh-so-eloquent letter I worked so hard on-- then-- then I should be soundly and thoroughly beaten. Parents don't pay for transition. Hell, many people's parents don't ever want to see them again when they decide to transition. This isn't their responsibility, it's mine. I can't let myself start thinking that I don't have to work hard for this and do it all myself. And if I accept this kind of help, will it make me feel that my transition is not just my choice, it's something I'm doing partly for my parents, since they helped pay for it? That strikes me as a really bad idea.

On the other hand, do they need to do this as much for themselves as for me? Would I be denying them an important way of feeling involved with my life if I turned them down? Can I afford to?

And what about the fact that the primary reason I'm afraid to accept this offer is because their confidence in my ability to know myself and know what I need scares me suddenly?

I was thinking about asking them if I could put the money into an emergency transition fund instead. Erin says I shouldn't do that because it's a matter of family honor to use it for what they want to give it to me for, but I could at least discuss this option with them. That might be a wiser course of action. I won't be able to afford Androgel for the first year on my own, but most people start on injections anyway and I'm really kind of just being a wuss. There are some good reasons to prefer transdermal applications but not because I'm a coward about needles. Right? And then, if I get into some kind of financial trouble in the future, I'll have something to fall back on for transition expenses.

I don't know. I think I need to talk about this in group on Saturday.

Which makes me feel even worse. "Oooh, look at me, my big problem this week is that my parents want to give me lots of money." Heh. Please pay attention to the spoiled little white boy.